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It's Only Love

Enabling happens all the time within addictions, but any behavior that allows someone to avoid experiencing the negative consequences of their actions can be categorized as “enabling.” Parents, spouses, siblings, co-workers, supervisors, neighbors, friends, teachers – virtually anyone is capable of being an "enabler." That's because the only qualification you need to be an enabler is that you have the power to introduce consequences, or to let them happen, but you don't.

You see, enablers act the way they do out of a sense of misguided love and/or concern. While enabling is generally intended to protect a person from their problem(s), eventually the enabling becomes a part of the problem and one additional obstacle standing in the way of a solution.  If you've read our tutorial about how to properly conduct an "intervention" for an alcoholic or addict, you now know that it's designed to "manufacture" or "raise" the "bottom" an alcoholic or addict usually has to hit before they get help.  But enabling does just the opposite.  It prolongs the length of time that it takes for the addict to hit bottom, and "enables" them to continue living in a fantasy world.

An Absence Of Consequences

Here are a few examples of enabling, and while they could occur both in and out of the realm of addiction, they share a common denominator, which is the absence of any consequences for the person in question.

Every time your spouse has two or three drinks they start saying inappropriate things in front of other people or perhaps even children. By you not saying anything, or by apologizing for them, you’re enabling them. And because no one ever complains about their behavior, or they don’t feel obligated to apologize for it, the message that they’re getting is, "Hey, it must be okay - no one seems to mind that I'm doing this, because no one is complaining."

Or perhaps one of your co-workers is constantly late, and you always cover for them by answering their phone, or by taking care of their duties. By not telling them to get their act together, or by not telling them that you won’t cover for them anymore, you’re enabling them.

You see, if they felt it was inconsiderate to be doing what they’re doing, they wouldn’t expect anyone to cover for them or at the very least, they would figure someone would have mentioned something about it to them by now.  But remember, they're not living true reality.  They're in the muddled, irrational and illogical world of addiction.

When it comes to kids, enabling often precedes addiction.  Perhaps your child is regularly in trouble with the police, school officials, other kids, or their siblings.  And you’re always able to come up with excuses and rationalizations for their behavior. “No one understands my child,” “they’re all picking on my child,” or “my child just seems to always be at the wrong place at the wrong time.”

Well sorry, but that doesn’t cut it. Unless someone put an evil curse on your child when they were born, you’re enabling them. They see no negative consequences for their behavior and as a result, they will continue to do it.  And who wouldn’t?

Consequences Are Particularly Important For Addicts & Alcoholics

Obviously, as human beings, we’re supposed to experience consequences for our actions and behaviors, that’s how we learn.  When we put our hand on a hot stove and feel the burn, we learn very quickly that there's a direct correlation between a hot stove and pain.  And one of the reasons we learn this lesson so quickly is because the gap or interval between what we did, and what resulted from what we did, is so short.

And this "learning" concept is important when we're dealing with alcoholics and addicts because their senses of time and place are often foggy or blurred.  Waking up the next morning after a drunken episode, there's a good chance the alcoholic won't remember a thing they did the night before.  So while they may feel guilty and somewhat paranoid, if no one says anything to them and it's "business as usual," no real learning has taken place, no "message" has been sent directly to their brain.

However, if they woke up the next morning in a jail cell, or in an empty house because their spouse had packed up the kids and moved out, this definitely sends a message to even the foggiest brains.  For many, this might be what we refer to in addictions as their personal "bottom."  It's that point where either the thing you just lost is the "last straw," or the thing you're about to lose next is.  It's the point that the addict or alcoholic finally swallows their pride and raises the white flag of surrender.  And the quicker that negative consequences are experienced because of their behavior, the better the chance that it won't have to end in jail, or job loss, or divorce, or all the other negative outcomes addiction is so good at creating.

So by enabling the addict, we protect and defer them from finding that critical bottom, the place where the idea of treatment and recovery starts to make more sense to them. So here are some typical “enabler roles” that people take on when someone they love and care about has an addiction issue.  And if you find yourself guilty of assuming one or more of these roles, don’t be hard on your self, because as we said, your motivation is probably love.

The “Protector”

You act as a shield between the addict and the natural consequences of their addiction and behavior.  You might negotiate with their employer, or make explanations to family about their behavior.  You are more or less, a "buffer zone" between the addicted person and the real world.

The “Secret Keeper”

You keep secrets about the addict’s behavior in order to keep the peace with family, friends, employers, etc.  This not only enables the addict, it ultimately eats away at you.

The “Excuser”

You're able to rationalize, or excuse everything the addicted person does.  "They had a hard upbringing."  "They're under a lot of pressure right now."  "They're just going through a phase."  "They're really sweet inside, they just can't hold their liquor."     .

The “Rescuer”

You rescue the addict from debts and other financial obligations.  You pay off lawyers, you pay fines, you find them jobs with no effort on their part.

The “Deflector”

No matter what kind of trouble they’re in, you blame others for it. You blame friends, family, teachers, employers, authorities, anyone but the addict themselves. You even blame yourself.

The “Geneticist”

All of the addict’s problems (beginning with the fact that they even have an addiction) are due to their genes and because addiction "runs in the family."  What you fail to realize is that if you go back a couple of generations in almost any family, you’re likely to find someone who was addicted to something.  While there's no question that there's a genetic component within addiction, it's a component, not a rubber stamp that say's "Doomed Forever To Addiction Because Uncle Carl Was."  What's more, a genetic predisposition toward addiction is not a waiver.  No one is saying the addict is 100% responsible for becoming addicted, but they are pretty much 100% responsible for making the decision to get help and treatment.

The “Nurture Expert”

The addict is not responsible for their actions and behavior because they never felt like they fit in, or they came from a broken home, or they suffered some type of abuse. Granted, these are real issues, they're serious issues, and they play a role in the lives of a huge percentage of people who fall prey to addiction.  But continuing to descend deeper into addiction isn’t how you deal with them. You deal with them by somehow summoning up the courage to get help and address these issues.  To do that, you usually need a "wake-up call," and consequences are excellent wake-up calls.

The “Avoider”

Rather than confronting the addict about their problem, to keep the peace you avoid them.  You may even be thinking subconsciously that given enough time, the problem will solve itself.  (it won't)

The "Liar"

To help an alcoholic or addict out of a jam, you've lied for them or stretched the truth about something.  Generally this starts with small things as as you get more accustomed to having to do it, it progresses to larger issues.

The "Blame Sharer"

The addict or alcoholic has done something stupid, or gotten in trouble, and even though it was not your fault, you've shared the blame.

The "Finisher"

 The alcoholic or addict makes a commitment to do something all the way to completion and they don't and you end up finishing it..

The “Financier”

You give or loan the addict money that’s either completely undeserved, or unearned. Basically, you're financing their addiction, and positively rewarding them for negative behavior.

The “Paper Tiger”

You growl out huge threats, you deliver final ultimatums. Then you fold and never follow-up, or you don’t ALWAYS follow-up.  Addiction makes people incredibly manipulative.  They will remember your weakness in this area and will come to rely on it and exploit it.  Often enablers threaten to leave or end the relationship, but ironically, they're usually the ones that end up getting dumped as soon as they're no longer of any use to the alcoholic or addict.

The “Partner”

You berate the addict for what they’re doing, then in a moment of weakness you cave in and join them.  Obviously, this blows your credibility right out of the water.  The addict sees this additional confirmation that there really isn't that big of a problem.

The “Scolder”

The addict does something completely ridiculous while drunk or high. You start screaming and yelling and calling them every name in the book.  They scream and yell back at you and call you names as well and then you both storm off to separate areas of the residence.  But there are two problems here. One, they’re probably going to focus more on the names you’re calling them and the screaming and yelling than they are on their behavior and their problem. And two, they’re going to look at this as you just being "on their case," and this will cause them additional stress and they'll relieve it by drinking and or drugging again.

Also, during such confrontations, enablers often make make pronouncements like, "Okay, I'm giving you one more chance and that's it."  Of course, that's never "it," and they know it.   

So If All This Is Wrong, What's Right?

By all appearances, what it seems we’ve created here are at least twelve different reactions you can have to an addict’s behavior and they all seem to be wrong, don’t they? And the truth is, they are all wrong because each one assumes to one degree or another, that you’re responsible for this person getting clean and sober.  And you’re not - they are.

Their addiction is one hundred percent their problem and it’s one hundred percent their responsibility to ask for help. In each of the enabling scenarios that we just outlined, there’s a subtle assumption that in each case, you are somehow responsible for the addict’s addiction.

So owing to feelings of guilt, thinking that maybe they failed as a friend, sibling or parent, most enablers take on a great deal of personal blame for the problem.  But you can't do that because until the addict realizes that they have to want to change, they have to turn their life around, and they have to take action, nothing will change and they will never take action.  Given the choice between change and the "status-quo," or keeping things "just as they are," the addict will always choose the status quo.  They hate change because change takes courage and the first thing addiction sucks out of you is courage.   

So on the next page, let’s have a look at the enabling situations again and this time, from the perspective that consequences of the addiction are totally and completely the addict or alcoholic’s responsibility.

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