(Page 2 of 2)

No Longer The “Protector”

From now on, every action or behavior of the addict will be followed by the full force of the logical consequences that stem from that behavior. If they fall asleep on the front lawn, so be it. That may be highly embarrassing for them and you, but it’s not your problem, it’s their problem.

No Longer The “Secret Keeper”

You don’t turn into a gossip, but you no longer intentionally keep information about the addict from people that need to know. From now on, if the addict has secrets, it’s their responsibility to manage and hide them, not yours.  As the saying in recovery goes, "You're as sick as your secrets." 

No Longer The “Excuser”

Thinking that we have to help an alcoholic or addict come up with excuses for their behavior is like thinking Hugh Hefner needs lessons in how to meet women, or Donald Trump needs advice on making money. Alcoholics and addicts are absolute masters at making excuses and they don’t require any help. So from now on, let them handle all the excuses.

No Longer The “Rescuer”

It's called "personal responsibility" and it means when you owe money, you pay it back. It means that if you incur a fine or speeding ticket, you pay it. It means if you’re supposed to be at work by 8:00 a.m., you show up for work at 8:00 a.m. From now on, when the addict falls in a mud puddle, it’s their responsibility to clean themselves off, not yours.

No Longer The “Deflector”

Addicts and alcoholics are always at war with something or someone. Nothing is ever their fault, it’s always someone or something else that's to blame. They're right, and the rest of the world is wrong.

Well sorry, but you can't buy into that and start defending it, because it's just not true.  Whatever problems they’re having, or whatever trouble they’re in, it's because they're under the influence of an addiction. Friends, family, teachers, employers and the authorities aren’t to blame. They’re not the ones with the addiction issue, the addict is.  And it’s on their shoulders where ALL of the responsibility sits.

No Longer The “Geneticist”

Whether or not you think that addiction runs in the addict's or alcoholic's family is really not the point.  Your goal is not to formulate a new theory of addiction, it's to make your life bearable again by helping the addict or alcoholic face up to what must be faced up to.  Let the experts debate the genetic issue and while they’re doing that, focus on building a life worth living for the addict and for yourself.  And that will begin by the addict realizing they have a problem and their problem is affecting everyone else.

No Longer The “Nurture Expert”

Nobody’s childhood was like an episode of “Leave It To Beaver,” because every family has some level of dysfunction in it. Yet it's true that some people had horrific childhoods filled with pain that nobody should have to experience and that often leaves them broken inside.

But you don’t fix a broken leg by putting a Band-Aid on it and that’s all an addiction does for emotional pain. It just covers the hurt and the pain, it doesn’t heal it. And whether the “medication” you chose for your pain was alcohol, drugs, gambling or something else, given enough time, the medication will begin turning on you and there are no exceptions, this is virtually guaranteed.

If the addict had a terrible childhood, then more than anybody, they deserve a good life as an adult. But life doesn’t hand it to you, you’ve got to seize it and that begins by simply saying, “I need help - I need to learn how to cope without medicating myself - I need to learn how to continue going through life without the enormous weight of the baggage from the past."  Treatment and recovery don't change what happened to the addict.  If successful, they change how the addict feels about what happened and it's just as important.

No Longer The “Avoider”

It’s actually reasonable to want to avoid someone with an addiction issue, because as we all know, they can be really quite horrible to be around. In fact, most of us who are in recovery look back on what we were like when we were actively addicted and wonder how anyone could have stomached being around us and why everyone didn't avoid us.

However, while avoiding the addict or alcoholic obviously helps you, if you want to help them as well, tell them why you’re avoiding them. It doesn’t have to be a speech, just a few lines. For example, there’s nothing wrong in saying, “You know, I really (like) (love) (care about) you, but until you address your addiction issues, I don’t want any contact with you. If you’re willing to get help, I’ll be there for you, but if you’re not, then you’re on your own.”

What you’re doing here is helping the alcoholic or addict reach their bottom. And they’ll probably be mad, resentful and negative and say that you’re abandoning them, but you’re not. What you’re doing is ending contact with the addicted “them,” because you want the real “them” back in your life.  One day, if they get properly clean and sober, there's a good chance they'll thank you for cutting them loose.

No Longer The "Blame Sharer"

Throughout your life, there will be more than enough things for which you have to accept blame for that are legitimately your fault.  There's no need for you to accept blame on behalf of others.  Let them take blame for what's their fault and leave it at that.

No Longer "The Liar"

Lying for the alcoholic or addict not only prevents them from experiencing reality, it also creates the impression for them that lying is acceptable.  From this point on, if there is going to be lying associated with this problem, let them be the ones to lie.  (And they will.)

No Longer The Finisher

If they started something, or if they made a commitment, then they have to finish it or live up to the commitment, not you.  Granted, an intimate, loving relationship between two healthy people involves a lot of sharing of responsibility and commitment, but that's not what we're talking about when one of the partners has an addiction issue.  Alcoholics and addicts are notorious for not finishing what they start and making commitments they can't possibly live up to.  From this point on, remove your involvement completely. 

No Longer The “Financier”

Given enough time, we know that addiction becomes all-consuming and is eventually the focal point of the addict’s life. Nothing comes before the addiction, and there is no higher priority than keeping the addiction properly fed. That takes money, and with some substance addictions (pain pills) or certain compulsive behaviors (gambling) it takes an enormous amount of money. And the quicker that the supply of money runs out, the better it is for the addict. That’s because the stronger the addiction gets, the lower the inhibition level gets for the addict.  And they will do things they never imagined in their widest dreams they would do to keep the addiction fed.

Given enough time, the person who was once the picture of honesty will begin stealing money or valuables. The person who at one time drank only the finest imported wines will drink rubbing alcohol. And the person who at one time was rather inhibited and shy about their body will sell it on the street for enough drugs to get high for an hour.

That’s just the way it is and if you don’t believe it, attend a few “Open” meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, or Narcotics Anonymous. (“Open” meetings are open to visitors and supporters, “closed” meetings are for addicts and/or alcoholics only.)  There you will meet and listen to some of the nicest, most sensitive people in the world describe where their addiction took them.  And as you listen, you'll find it hard to believe that the person being described in the story is the same person standing in front of you telling the story.

So as quickly as possible, financing the addiction must end.

No Longer The “Paper Tiger”

Don’t make threats to the alcoholic or addict, make promises and keep them. In fact, keep a journal of what you promised to do, so if it’s ever debated in the future, you have backup. And you won’t have to worry about “comparing notes,” because active alcoholics and active addicts aren’t famous for taking notes or for having much of a memory.

No Longer The “Partner”

If you’ve partnered with the addict in the past, you have to explain to them that it’s never going to happen again and then you have to live up to that. It’s just that simple.

No Longer The “Scolder”

If the addict or alcoholic has done something that’s made you mad, don’t say anything until you’ve calmed down. Once you’re in a controlled state of mind, then you can calmly tell them how you feel about what they did, or write them a letter. The important thing is to keep it on the level of feelings. Don’t call them names, don’t label them and don’t let it turn into a shouting match. Just tell them how it’s made you feel and walk away.  Feelings are inarguable.

You see, the only person who can scold the alcoholic or addict, the only person who can really make them feel guilty and accountable is themselves. As they say, “alcoholics and addicts love to learn, but they hate to be taught.” So if you calmly give them something to think about, they will think about it and if thinking about it makes them feel guilty, so be it. Maybe it will make them feel guilty enough to learn from it, and that’s what it’s all about.

Summary

Like with everything else about addiction, there are few guarantees, and “enabling” is no different. So if nothing else, remember two things. Unless you are enabling it, the addiction is not your problem, it’s not your fault and it’s not your responsibility. Your only responsibility to this person, if you love them and care about them, is to see that they seek help as soon as possible. And secondly, remember that drugs, alcohol and other compulsive behaviors are the “vehicles” of addiction. And sometimes the only way to stop the “vehicle” is by letting it hit a brick wall. And ironically, if it must come to that, the sooner it happens the better.

Some call this concept of letting the addict fend for themselves "loving detachment."  What this means is that out of your love for someone, you're prepared to stand out of the way so the following can occur for them and you.

For Them:

• They can learn how to ask for real help with the real problem, which is their addiction.

• They can learn the concept of cause and effect.  For every action we take in our lives, there are consequences.

• They can learn to self-motivate to initiate change in their life.  Often when an addict realizes that no one else is going to bail them out, they are often motivated to bail themselves out.

For You:

• There's freedom and liberation in knowing that you are no longer responsible for helping someone who does not want to be helped - at least at this point.

• You can now focus your attention and energy on making yourself better, so that when the addict is willing to accept real help, you'll be that much more qualified to provide it.

• Even when you were enabling the addict, it was out of love.  By detaching yourself, you'll be better prepared to give real love to them when they're willing to accept it, and reciprocate it.

As with anything else, there's no magic formula for knowing when to help and when to back away so you're not enabling.  So we'll leave you with this.  Anything we get in our life without making some investment - anything that comes easy - and anything that comes without some sacrifice tends to be perceived as having little or no value.  As long as the addict, alcoholic or person with a compulsive behavior is allowed to operate with immunity, the only change that will take place is that things will get worse.  And they will get worse.  Addiction is progressive and relentless.  And while you can't force the solution, you certainly don't have to contribute to the problem.

If you feel you need additional advice or help, contact us HERE.  There's no charge for an initial consultation.

    Top Of Page