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I was recently reminded of something that's really important to a successful, long-term recovery from addiction, except it didn't come from a book I read, or a speaker I heard, it came to me while my husband and I were "dog-sitting" for some friends of ours one weekend. I'll explain the rather strange connection in a second, but first let me describe something I've seen happen over and over again since I entered into recovery myself, several years ago.

Over the years I've been in recovery from addiction, I've seen many people "come in," and I've also seen a great many people go back out to drink and/or use drugs again - and I mean a great many. Now in some of those cases it was a no-brainer - you could see a relapse coming a mile away. But in a large number of cases, someone would relapse and it just didn't make any sense to me, at least not when I was new to recovery.

For example, you'd see someone that was going to four Fellowship or Group meetings a week, they were volunteering for service, reading every piece of program material they could get their hands on, you name it, they were doing it.

And if they'd chosen the 12 step path, they dove in head first.  They were one of the first people to get themselves a sponsor, they could quote extensively from the "Big Book" of AA, and they were as they say, "sticking with the winners." In short, they were doing exactly what you're "supposed" to be doing, at least according to the 12 Step philosophy.

"No Really, This Time Things Will Be Different"

And they certainly "talked the talk" as well. They'd tell everyone (especially their family) that "this time things are going to be different." And in a lot of cases, they were also absolutely sure that as soon as they had some "clean time" under their belt, they'd be sponsoring people too. In fact, some even talked about pursuing a career as an addictions counselor once they had enough clean time.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, they relapse and return to their old life. And until you're familiar with the dynamics of addiction and the nature of addicts and alcoholics, you scratch your head and say, "What's up with that?" "How could this virtual poster-child for addiction recovery have relapsed?" And if you're in the early stages of recovery yourself, you also start thinking, "Wow! If it happened to them, how long before it happens to me?" And what's even more confusing, is that sometimes you see others in recovery who seem to being doing the exact opposite of what you're supposed to do, and they don't relapse.

Doing Everything Wrong, But Still Getting It Right?

You know the type.  They rarely if ever go to meetings, they never talk about staying clean and sober, yet six years later you meet up with them and they're still clean and sober.  And on the surface, it can make you think there's no logic, no rhyme or reason to staying clean and sober - it's just the "luck of the draw" as they say.

Now we go into this subject in great detail in our Relapse Prevention Series, where we explain some of the most recent, and frankly, incredible scientific findings about relapse, and how you can avoid it.  But within this piece, I want to talk about something that at All Positive Options, we call, "window treatments and accessories."

A Revelation About Addiction Recovery While "Dog Sitting"

So let me begin by explaining how I started thinking about this while my husband and I were "dog-sitting" for our friends. Clearly, that's not the type of event you would expect to have a major revelation about recovery occur, but that's where it kind of dawned on me. And here's how it happened and what I realized. The deal was, while our friends, Glen and Debby (not their real names) were away, we'd go over to their house twice a day over the weekend, feed the dogs, and then let them outside for some play time and other "necessary functions." Now I have to tell you that Glen and Debbie are great people, and we love both of their dogs.

But they have one of the messiest houses in North America. In almost every corner of that house, there are piles of dirty dishes, piles of dirty laundry, dust-bunnies the size of soccer balls - it's just a total nightmare. And to make matters even worse, the north side of their house is sinking - so one side is about five degrees lower than the other. As a result, you always feel like you're on a tilt when you're inside.

So on the second day of going over there, my husband is outside playing with the dogs, and I'm sitting in the living room (on a five degree slant) amongst all the mess and debris. And I notice something. I notice that in various places throughout that disaster of a room, there are little "pockets" or areas where our friends have attempted to improve how it looked. For example, on a wall filled with crayon scrawls, holes and various stains, there's a little art deco planter that's recently been purchased and put on the wall.

And the dining room table can't be used as a table, because it's got a pile of old, broken phones, broken tape players, old dusty sports equipment, and about two years worth of old newspapers on it. But Debbie thought the way to fix that would be to put really nice satin slipcovers over the chairs. And the chairs are literally falling apart, but somehow Debbie thought covering them with satin slipcovers would take care of that.

And the closer I looked, I found more and more of these nice designer accessories they had purchased, which were totally lost amid the clutter, the dust, and the dirt. Even the windows on their house are so dirty and filled with smudges you can barely see through the glass. But there again, Debbie went out and bought really nice window treatments for them in the form of designer drapes,  And on a normal window, would look terrific. But on a filthy window, they look like hell.

And I thought to myself, "Can't they see that these nice things they're adding to this room don't mean a thing because the room is still a pig-sty?" "Can't they see that a satin slipcover over a wobbly chair doesn't change the fact that the chair wobbles?" And "Can't they see that a nice little art deco planter means nothing when it's surrounded by stains, holes, and crayon markings?"  And maybe most of all, "Have they ever stopped and realized that their whole house is on a slant, and that nothing they add in the way of accessories will ever change that?"

We All Have Our "Blind Spots"

Well you know what? The answer is "no," they can't see it. And that's because for people like them, their perception and thinking about what a house should look like is flawed. And believe me, I know these people well, and it's true. To them, picking up after yourself, putting things where they belong, fixing things that are broken, cleaning things and regular house maintenance are not things they think are important to having a beautiful house.  They actually walk into that horrible mess of a house and think, "Y'know, if we painted it another color, it would really good in here, or "Maybe some crown molding would improve the way it looks."

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